What I Wish Others Knew

I wish others knew what cancer felt like,
Oh wait, that's just not the whole truth;
Because if they knew what cancer felt like,
They'd hightail it out of here too.

I got diagnosed, then treatments began,
Which saw me get sick as a dog;
Installed in my stomach was a feeding tube,
That kept me alive all along.

Cut open my chest, a port they put in,
Where poison was pumped through my heart;
As chemo progressed, my weight plummeted,
Nauseous, a benchmark from the start.

Radiation ensued, burning much of my skin,
To touch, I would scream out in pain;
Along with it choking, the loss of my voice,
Felt like I was hit by a train.

As it all progressed, my thoughts became dark,
Was this worth the price it would cost?
Life felt incessant, no clear end in sight,
As slowly the old me was lost.

Appointments galore, a few hospital stays,
Infusions, trips to the ER;
Lab draws and prescriptions took over my days,
Deep sleep is the place I'd withdraw.

Along with it all, thrush and pneumonia,
Bronchitis, a bout of strep too;
This cancer was flipping my life inside out,
With side effects yet to show through.

Til one day my feet went totally numb,
Swelled to the point I couldn't walk;
Found out edema had set in with a friend,
Neuropathy wasn't just talk.

I began to fall from the numbness it caused,
As fear became worse every day;
Afraid of choking, and dying alone,
Would cancer still have the last say?

Then test after test, and scan after scan,
The waiting, more than I could bear;
What if it returned, or metastasized,
Add to this already nightmare.

Flashbacks were a part, triggers old and new,
My system of nerves almost shot;
Therapy beckoned for fluid buildup,
Add vitamins for the hair loss.

Along with the others was PT and speech,
Learn to how to swallow again;
Build up muscle mass from all the weight loss,
Create of a new regimen.

I barely could eat, my voice in and out,
Dry mouth was a side effect too;
Pain pills and steroids were part of the norm,
Med schedules I wish were just through.

Exhaustion increased the further I got,
From when cancer came into play;
Some friendships fizzled, some new ones were born,
Isolation, the word of the day.

Now over a year since treatments did cease,
Still struggle with guilt and regret;
Am angry at cancer, and even myself,
Working to form a reconnect.

Dissociation is what got me through,
Every day I was locked to that board;
35 visits later, the mask I did keep,
Was kinda a silent reward.

When I take a look back, I wonder of how,
My body did not just collapse;
I know in my heart, the only reason,
God's plan was to fill in those gaps.

Our Lord up above is why I'm still here,
My strength when I felt so alone;
Each time I grew sicker, He stepped in to say,
"It's not your time yet to come home."

Back to it I went, a fight for my life,
No matter how dreadful I'd feel;
At this point in time, my only goal was,
To share how He helped me to heal.

A story I wrote, another pending,
How cancer just gutted my life;
But also how God was there every step,
Cut through this disease like a knife.

Yes scars do remain, both seen and hidden,
Some buried too deep to unearth;
Yet through all the pain, I'll never forget,
He killed cancer for a rebirth.