No Strings Attached: Breath

There was a fly, zipping round the room. It was starting to annoy me. I tried to hit it with my hand, but you know how quick flies are. I think I was as slow as an elephant compared to that fly. Anyway, I waited till it was real close to my face and I blew at it. As soon as it got a whiff of my breath, it did a spiral to the floor and stuck its legs up into the air. Dead. Not even a buzz or a spin. Stone dead.

I knew there was something a bit repelling about me, because Mum had been pestering me to use a mouth-wash or something, but I thought she was exaggerating. Some of my friends at school had waved their hands about, and kept their distance when I stood too close, but I thought they were having me on. I couldn't smell anything. But now I knew.

I had the world's most foul-smelling breath!

So what good was it to have the stinkiest mouth in the world? None, as far as I could see. I couldn't think of a way of making money out of it, and there didn't seem to be any point in being anti-social, unless I wanted to be a hermit or something.

I wrote to the people who make the Guinness Book of Records and told them, but they weren't impressed. I thought they might be, but what's the use of setting a record if no-one else wants to beat it? They told me to work out some way of measuring the smell and then maybe they'd put it in their book.

That was last week. Now I'm quite excited. I think I've discovered a way of getting myself into being famous, and setting a world record, all at the same time.

Its like this. The way I see it, my mouth is like a farm. In order to grow things well, I have to give it plenty of good soil, and water, and lots of sunshine. I've been working on this idea for quite a while. Every day, instead of spending my lunch-money on sweets, I've been buying other things, like garlic, cheese, radishes, onions, cabbage and stuff like that. It has to be food for growing something foul-smelling, and disgusting. (Well I think it is anyway) I have quite a bag fall of food ready now.

And I've been going through the books in the library. Especially the history books. There's one book in particular which really inspires me. Its called "The World's Last Mysteries'. I can't prove it, but I have this theory that my special ability to generate incredibly bad smells with my mouth had something to do with the sinking of Atlantis. What probably happened was some bloke had the same sort of breath as me and all the people on Atlantis got a whiff of it and stampeded to get away. All the vibrations of them stamping shook the island so much it sank into the sea. It's so logical I'm